By: Chris Agar (Whetstone Staff Writer)

How is a raven like a writing desk?

It is a question asked several times by the Mad Hatter in Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland. You’d think the answer is a vital part of the plot.

It’s not.

At the end of the film, when Alice asks the Hatter the same question, Johnny Depp’s Mad Hatter character just laughs and says: “I have no idea.”

That is the general theme for this movie. You have no idea. You have no idea why Alice went to Wonderland (or Underland, as it is called by the inhabitants). You have no idea why she is needed to slay the Jabberwocky, a mysterious dragon-like character. You have no idea why no one in the real world is concerned about where Alice disappeared to. You leave the theater with more questions than answers.

Burton decided to alter the story from a girl wandering around a dream-like place to a young woman thrown in the middle of a power struggle, perhaps between the Red Queen and the White Queen. Burton may have done this to make Alice seem more like a conventional story. But he did not do a good job of telling this story.

Viewers are confused when Alice first enters Wonderland as the various characters talk about a previous visit she made and hold an inexplicable debate about whether she is the “right Alice.”

It seems to hint that there is a great story behind the movie. Alice finds out that she Alice is supposed to slay the Jabberwocky, but no one reveals why.

The Red Queen is the main villain, but the viewer is unsure why she’s evil. She says, “Off with their heads” a lot, but she doesn’t chop off anyone’s head or kill anybody. It seems that for whatever reason, a certain group of creatures in Wonderland doesn’t like her and wants her gone.

Again, no one really knows why.

It seemed to me that the citizens of Wonderland were living peaceful lives despite the Red Queen’s “evil” reign until Alice showed up. The Red Queen must be defeated, but no one really knows why. Wonderland seems the same even after the Red Queen is banished, so you have to wonder what exactly the point of the story was. What did that accomplish? No one really knows.

Even though the Red Queen is supposed to be a tyrannical leader, you never feel like any of the characters are in actual danger. Even in the clichéd climatic battle, the heroes easily win.

The Jabberwocky is disposed of so quickly you’re left wondering if someone as tiny as Alice’s friend, Mallymkun the Dormouse, could have disposed of it. For a story about a struggle between good and evil, the ending left much to be desired.

I know that Disney movies are not traditionally violent, but I think even a little 3-D blood could have been spilled and the PG rating would have been safe. This is the same studio that gave us the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy, so battle scenes are not new territory for them.

The acting left much to be desired as well. I was surprised that Depp, who gave great performance in last year’s Public Enemies, had a poor outing . I’ll admit that several films I love will not be nominated for acting awards, but the acting is so wooden, it makes Keanu Reeves look like Marlon Brando.

Another problem I had was that as an audience member, you didn’t feel any emotional connection with the characters, nor did any of the characters seem close to one another. When Alice is leaving, there are no tearful goodbyes, there are no, “I’m going to miss you terribly” lines, and there isn’t even a,
“Thank you, Alice,” from any of the characters.

You would think that after she “saved” their world – from what exactly? – they would have been grateful. Instead, they couldn’t have been quicker to get rid of her.

As soon as the Jabberwocky is killed, the White Queen – the Red Queen’s nemesis and sister – gives Alice a potion to return home. Thanks Alice. Now, get out.

It would have been better if Burton stuck with the original story of a young Alice wandering through a fantastic world full of mythical creatures, meeting each of them one-by-one, and taking the audience along for the rideInstead, he turned it into a story that doesn’t really make sense.

I was disappointed that the questions I had during the film were never answered. I’ll never know why Alice went to Wonderland, why she’s the only one who can slay the Jabberwocky, why the Red Queen is this terrible menace that needs to be wiped out, or even why this movie had to be shown in 3-D.

And I still don’t know how a raven is like a writing desk. 2 out of 4 stars